Unfortunately, one of my good friends at the conservatory lost her father right when we were all celebrating graduation. I went to the wake. It was incredibly surreal. It was such an emotional day for obvious reasons. I'm of an age now where people lose their parents. That is so very scary.
Then there was Tim Russert's sudden death. I just watched some of the coverage of the funeral and found myself crying. I really didn't know Russert's work all that well, I didn't feel like one of those Americans who "knew" him because he entered their homes on the air...but still, the loss was palpable. I felt so bad for his son.
Needless to say it was important to me that Father's Day be honored an celebrated this year and at this time. Amidst all of the sadness I have to remind myself that my father is still very much here with me. So, Dad made the trip up to Boston by bus and we hung out for the weekend. It was brilliant. We did nothing in particular; visited the library, took one of the touristy swan boat rides, ate some nice food, but it was still wonderfully special. To say we're close is an understatement. I once read that Gwenyth Paltrow referred to her father as "the love of her life." I knew exactly what she meant. Of course she didn't mean it in a romantic way, but rather that her father was someone she admired and loved and shared things with on a special and inexplicable level. I feel the same way about my Dad. As I said, I have to remind myself that he is still here, because sometimes the pain and worry I have when I think of losing him is overwhelming.
All of this of course, is not meant to discount my Mom. My relationship with her is just as loving and intense but of course, in a different way. I see her as an extension of myself, or rather that I am an extension of her, since she most definitely came first. We are so alike it's ridiculous. Yet she has paved so many roads for me, created so many possibilities for me out of love and respect and given me an incredible sense of morality and responsibility. She's really my moral compass. An incredible standard to which I try and hold myself. And I know she doesn't always believe this but she is so very strong. We share the girly things in life, costume dramas (like Anna Karenina! which was amazing) and chick flicks, Austen novels and such. We are likewise beyond close. She can say "I was talking with so and so earlier about the thing" and I will immediately know who "so and so" is and exactly what "thing" they were talking about. We have our own language in that way.
And so a reminder that my parents are still here and their love still keeps me afloat while pushing me forward. Losing them is a terrible and horrible fear, but I truly believe that I should shelve that fear for the time being and allow myself to enjoy the here and now. Looking forward to many more memories, Mom and Dad.
