Len's Thoughts

Zen and the Art of Textbook Maintenance

2009-02-06T22:08:00.005-05:00

Hello again,
I've had a few requests to start up this blog again, which is so sweet. I'm incredibly touched that people are at all interested in my often very uninteresting life.

I hope this finds all of its readers well and happy. At the risk of sounding very Jane Austen-esque...I am exceedingly well. Perhaps that's why I haven't felt the need to post in a while. No angsty ramblings necessary really. My life is pretty much at an even keel now...and I'm enjoying it. I'm not doing nearly as much singing as I'd like. I'm also working a very low paying job at a Barnes and Noble, but lately I've felt an overall sense of well-being, as trite as that sounds. I've had some vocal issues, which have been frustrating, but I've also suddenly and very truly believing that singing is what I am meant to do and that somehow it will happen for me in some way and that I will sing for the rest of my life. I hope that doesn't sound egotistical or anything. I've just recently come to terms with the fact that voice is my calling. Which is ironic I suppose, considering one needs a voice to actually make a "calling." But somehow, amid my usual nervousness I have come to realize that it's all good. It will happen. I shall make it happen. It is what I am meant to do. Very Zen. Very "Om." But still, comforting in its own way.

I've extended this to other parts of my life as well. Maybe it's an Obama thing (oh yes, since I've last posted...BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES). That's enough to make me feel protected and well-taken care of. I know its schmaltzy. I know it means I'm putting a lot of faith in a man who is essentially a politician. But I believe him. I believe in his power to restore the world's faith in America. I believe in the whole "Yes We Can" thing. I've totally bought it. Dont' get me wrong, he's definitely disappointed me a few times already. But I still get a little choked up when I see certain things on the news. I watched a video of a soldier saluting him as he boarded a plane and I got very misty. I know everyone has said this already, but his presidency is so symbolic of just how far Americans have come, and how far we can go. It's exciting to be an American again! As my friend Bri says, HUZZAH AND REJOICEMENT! Ha ha ha now I have Handel stuck in my head. "Rejoice greatly, o daughter of Zion, behold, thy King cometh unto thee..."

Anyway... I've had a rough year as far as friendships go...but I'm Zen about it now. I'm becoming decidedly more comfortable with me. I'm slowly (sometimes very slowly) learning to say "I'm sorry you don't wish to spend time with me, but for all intents and purposes that is your problem. So if you don't want to put in the effort then that's fine. There are plenty of wonderful and gracious people in my life who do value me." Weird huh? I'm ever so slightly letting go of the "everyone must love me" disease. It's an odd feeling actually. I feel like I'm losing a part of my identity in some way...in some very good way, though. I'm gaining a new identity, and I kind of like it. There are total setbacks though, and I'm sure there will be always. There are days I feel very useless, making $8 an hour shelving textbooks and answering questions for pushy students. I have noticed that I try to overcompensate a lot. I mention my education and my degrees a lot at work...as if to say "I'm somewhat smart, I swear, even though I'm behind the counter and you're going to Harvard." I must work on that. It's unnecessary and kind of ridiculous. There's enough smart to go around. I don't have to feel like I should claim "smart." People are intelligent in their own wonderful ways. Must work on that...

There are other frustrations. I'm increasingly more upset with my inability to provide for myself entirely. My parents pay my way far too often. It's disheartening. I can feel as independent as I like but at the end of the day, I'm still beholden to them in so many ways. Not that they hold it over me or anything. It's just a feeling. This could very easily be ameliorated by my finding a better job, but I have a defeatist attitude about that lately. No one is hiring. I'd sent out tons of resumes in the fall and no one cared really. Plus I'm exhausted. 9-hour days on your feet take a lot out of you.

So frustrations, yes. Escapisms too though. Ohhh the escapisms. I think I throw myself into multi-media frenzies when things aren't quite working in my personal life. "Wuthering Heights" was remade for the BBC lately...so much fun. And then there are wonderful new tv obsessions like QI (thanks Maggie!) a fabulous game show from the UK that basically consists of the amazingly witty and charming Stephen Fry and a host of British comedians sitting around a table and talking about interesting things (for anyone who doesn't know QI stands for "Quite Interesting). It's delicious and hilarious, and if you look hard enough on the internet...it's downloadable!

In other news, "Sunset Boulevard" has weaseled it's film-noir self back into my life and heart. Just when everyone thought it was safe! *cackles maniacally* In all seriousness though, the show has enjoyed a renaissance lately (a revival in the Netherlands, one in London and one on its way to New York, a new film loosely based on it starring KEIRA KNIGHTLEY...which is BEYOND WRONG), so it's been hard for me to avoid it. Someone once told me that I had such an intense connection to this story that it was almost like a first love. I suppose that is true. It's been fun revisiting something that meant so much to me as a child and seeing its affect on me as an adult, and as someone who has studied music and drama. (As much as I love "Sunset"...parts of the score a laughable sometimes, I won't lie). I suppose that will happen to me as long as I live. Not just with "Sunset" but with all of the stories, books, operas, musicals and films, I enjoyed when I was younger. I look forward to revisiting them all as I grow older and discovering new and exciting ways of thinking about them. I wonder what I'll think of Dorabella if I sing her when I'm 35.

So that, as we say, is all for now folks. Please please please let me know how YOU are.

Peace and Love and, as I was taught in college, Om Shanti

Len

Being Dorabella

2008-09-19T01:11:00.007-04:00

And it is high time that I posted.

Phew. So summer happened. It started out pretty terrible. Things happened that made me re-evaluate myself, my decision to stay in Boston, the life style I've chosen..it was heavy stuff. It was lonely for a while there too...I had a part to learn so it was translate my libretto, vocalize, go to the gym...every day for about a month and a half or so. I got super lonely for a bit and I hated it.

But then Germany happened. Ah, Deutschland. I've never been so terrified before ever. I had never flown by myself before (shocking at 26, I know) and my German is minimal at best so I was petrified of flying into Frankfurt on my own. I felt like I had the flu the whole time I was on the plane, on the train and for the first 36 hours or so I was in Germany. I guess it was a whole bunch of fears physically manifesting themselves...what could I expect from this new country? what could I expect from the program?
It was one of those rare things in life that exceeds your expectations. I got to sing a role in an opera! It was touch and go as to whether I would for a while...but I did (thank god for the translating and the vocalizing) and I had a total and utter blast doing it. I'm pretty sure this is what I was meant to do; create characters onstage with music. It's pretty exhilarating. Your simultaneously yourself and not yourself...it's an amazingly freeing and exciting thing. Dorabella was a great gal to play as well. I'm glad she was my first role. She's so upbeat and funny...scatterbrained and misguided...reminds me of me when I was 15. It's cool to be 15 for two hours. She was a bitch to sing though...phew that music is high! There were bits I still didn't sing well by the time we performed but I was proud of my performance as a whole, proud that I did something complete and had an evening with an audience. A rather reserved German audience, but an audience nonetheless.
Then there were the people. My Weimar family. They were all extremely supportive and lovely. I miss them terribly. I miss my French "soeur," Nadine, who hails from Quebec and played my sister onstage with grace and beauty. I miss Riley, who taught me that it wasn't enough to love opera, that I had to love myself in opera as well. I miss Natalie, who charged me 50 euro cents every time I said something self-deprecating (I charged her right back when she did the same to herself). I miss Benoit, who was a consummate flirt and a lot of fun to hang out with. Danielle, who played my sassy maid and had an even sassier tongue offstage. I miss them all. I could seriously write something that intimate about all twenty of them. I love them all. I got invited to go back next summer and I think I will. I hope I can. I hope a few of them are there again.
In conclusion, I had fun. It's what singing should be...and I kind of lost that in the last months at BoCo. For whatever reason I wasn't having fun. I think Germany fixed that for me. In addition its a tremendous sense of accomplishment, knowing you've sung a full role. I feel like the next time I'm faced with a challenge I'll be able to tell myself "Hey, you sang Dorabella...this should be a piece of cake." So danke, Deutschland. You've given me many gifts. I hope to see you again soon.

and now its back to the United States. Ahhhhh, the US. Unfortunately, the more I travel, the more I come to terms with the fact that America is my home. I always wanted to be a international citizen...someone who could theoretically fit in anywhere, but sadly no. It really is home. It's where I am most comfortable in spite of myself, in spite of the insanity that is coming out of Washington, in spite of the fact that I hated telling each and every German I met: "Mein Deutsch ist nicht so gut. Ich bin Amerikanisch."
It was nice to get away from the political madness for a while. Not that you could really get away from it. But still, it was nice not to think about it too often. Coming back was a bit of a shock. I felt like I had to scramble to pick up on what I had missed. And the election is now only 47 days away! I can't believe how emotionally invested I am in the process. I've never followed an election so closely nor felt so nervous about its outcome. I'm horrified that the Republican machine will be allowed to keep going...allowed to continue to invade my home and take away all the things about it that I hold dear. I'm terrified that feminism might not mean anything to anyone anymore; that I, as a woman, will have to live in a country where abortion may become illegal. I'm scared that Iraq may only be the beginning...that a McCain government would start us on a path to World War III. I see McCarthyism returning, women and minorities having to fight for the right to vote, the first amendment being overturned, Muslim witch hunts...I see all of that when I think of a McCain government. It's horrifying. My father seems to think that the country is still very backward, and that McCain may very well win. I agree that the country is backward, but I'm allowing myself to be swept up in the Obama "hope" message. I have to believe there's hope. I don't want to fear my own home.

That's all I've got for now. I'm living in Brighton, Mass. and looking for a job. Singing a bit, etc. That's my life for a while. I'm kind of enjoying it, except for the terrifying election part. I'm planning on having an election night party with lots of booze handy. Lots of booze. I'll either need to celebrate like crazy or drown my sorrows like nobody's business.

Dad

2008-06-19T01:49:00.003-04:00

Unfortunately, one of my good friends at the conservatory lost her father right when we were all celebrating graduation. I went to the wake. It was incredibly surreal. It was such an emotional day for obvious reasons. I'm of an age now where people lose their parents. That is so very scary.
Then there was Tim Russert's sudden death. I just watched some of the coverage of the funeral and found myself crying. I really didn't know Russert's work all that well, I didn't feel like one of those Americans who "knew" him because he entered their homes on the air...but still, the loss was palpable. I felt so bad for his son.

Needless to say it was important to me that Father's Day be honored an celebrated this year and at this time. Amidst all of the sadness I have to remind myself that my father is still very much here with me. So, Dad made the trip up to Boston by bus and we hung out for the weekend. It was brilliant. We did nothing in particular; visited the library, took one of the touristy swan boat rides, ate some nice food, but it was still wonderfully special. To say we're close is an understatement. I once read that Gwenyth Paltrow referred to her father as "the love of her life." I knew exactly what she meant. Of course she didn't mean it in a romantic way, but rather that her father was someone she admired and loved and shared things with on a special and inexplicable level. I feel the same way about my Dad. As I said, I have to remind myself that he is still here, because sometimes the pain and worry I have when I think of losing him is overwhelming.

All of this of course, is not meant to discount my Mom. My relationship with her is just as loving and intense but of course, in a different way. I see her as an extension of myself, or rather that I am an extension of her, since she most definitely came first. We are so alike it's ridiculous. Yet she has paved so many roads for me, created so many possibilities for me out of love and respect and given me an incredible sense of morality and responsibility. She's really my moral compass. An incredible standard to which I try and hold myself. And I know she doesn't always believe this but she is so very strong. We share the girly things in life, costume dramas (like Anna Karenina! which was amazing) and chick flicks, Austen novels and such. We are likewise beyond close. She can say "I was talking with so and so earlier about the thing" and I will immediately know who "so and so" is and exactly what "thing" they were talking about. We have our own language in that way.

And so a reminder that my parents are still here and their love still keeps me afloat while pushing me forward. Losing them is a terrible and horrible fear, but I truly believe that I should shelve that fear for the time being and allow myself to enjoy the here and now. Looking forward to many more memories, Mom and Dad.

Perfect Nights

2008-05-16T01:57:00.002-04:00

Every once in a while you have a perfect night. People accept you and welcome you with open arms and you feel special, important and completely comfortable. You find yourself suddenly not caring how you look or sound. You sense that just being yourself is entirely and completely enough. You just sit back, sip wine, laugh and have a hell of a lot of fun. I love those times. I will cherish them always.

Well said, Maureen

2008-05-05T02:14:00.007-04:00

click on the title to read a great op-ed by Maureen Dowd.

I find this aspect of the Clinton campaign (among others) appalling. After the centuries of oppression endured by people such as Barack Obama, the Clintons have the gall to suggest that he looks down on the American people and that he's too "elite" for his own good? Please. Please please please. It's sick, it's low and it's unworthy of you. I'm sure you had it real rough at Wellesley, Hil. I'll bet you had to get up at the crack of dawn and plow the fields before you could head to poli-sci classes. Incidentally, did anyone ever make you give up your seat on a bus? And I'm sure it was even harder at Yale Law...those New Haven peeps are bad ass.

Give me a freakin' break. From one white girl to another: Keep your mouth shut. This is one fight you can't win. Our ancestors screwed up and his ancestors suffered. He himself is still suffering because whatever anyone might say (*ahem Condoleezza ahem*), racism is still very much a part of the fabric of the United States. Case in point: you're demonizing him, Hil. Your aligning him with the stuffed-shirts that are supposed to be your enemies. Those people who wear expensive suits and look down on the little folk? Those are the Dick Cheneys and George Bushes of the world. If Obama has expensive tastes, if he has an education on his side, so what? A person can be cultured without being elitist. Besides, since when is education a deterrent rather than an asset. Oh that's right, since Bush came into power. Find some other way to combat him. Here's a thought: use your wit and intelligence, use the fact that you're a woman and have access to a point of view he doesn't have. I suspect it's too late though, babe. It's certainly too late to win my vote.

Online Quizzes and cheesey crackers by Annie's

2008-04-01T00:52:00.002-04:00

Here is proof of my constant post-recital procrastination:

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots.

Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best.

And quite frankly, you think you are the best.

Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique.

You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

You Are Thai Food

Trendy yet complex.

People seek you out - though they're not sure why.

What Kind of Food Are You?

You Are Romanticism

You are likely to see the world as it should be, not as it is.

You prefer to celebrate the great things people do... not the horrors they're capable of.

For you, there is nothing more inspiring than a great hero.

You believe that great art reflects the artist's imagination and true ideals.

What Art Movement Are You?

Replenishing

2008-03-29T00:05:00.003-04:00

Hello!
I know this is the first blog entry in a long time but there is a very specific reason for that, I promise.

So...my graduate recital was two weeks ago. I didn't want to write an entry between Christmas and now because I knew they would all be along the lines of "I'm nervous about my recital" or... "I'm busy preparing for my recital and I'm stressed out." Who wants to hear that after a while? I mean, I'm a singer, y'all know that... I didn't want the singing to be responsible for all of my thoughts and outpourings.

That said, I'm gonna put a little bit about the recital in here, mostly so that I can look back on this someday. It's a very big, very emotional, very self-indulgent day...so I just want to jot down a few memories and then be done with it so I don't sound like too much of a diva.

First thing I have to say is that I had high expectations for myself with regards to this recital. Too high. This whole thing is looked at as a "culmination" of your education. I somehow took that to mean that this should be the greatest bit of singing I had ever done or would ever do. What's funny about this is, in reality the recital is as far from a culmination as possible. It's a total and complete beginning; a moment were you say to your friends and family "here is the work I have been doing...now I'm gonna take this work, build on it, and try to make a career from here on out." There is no possible way I could have done my best singing ever. And I didn't. I made mistakes. I sand incorrect lyrics. My voice actually broke mid-phrase at one point. I belted out one particular note as if I had no training whatsoever...it was an ugly sound. Ew.

Yet my coach always says not to be afraid of ugly sounds, that they are necessary and sincere when made at the right time. So that's that. And there were some pretty sounds. There were great moments, moments were I was proud and moments were I felt like a singer. That's all I should have asked for for myself. In that way, my recital was successful. Here are some of the memories I will always have of that day:

-Tripping as I walked up the steps to begin the recital...and realizing in that moment how very human I was and how I would always always make mistakes.

-Realizing that my friend and I were creating a unique and intimate experience for my audience as he strummed his guitar and I sang my way through a Spanish song set.

-Placing my hand on the piano as I prepared myself for my final piece and saying very clearly to myself in my head "This is the last piece, enjoy this...take this moment in and it will all be worth it."

-My Dad standing up and presenting me with flowers as I took my first bows. He had tears in his eyes and he said "You're the best, toots!"

-My friend Laura leading a standing ovation for me.

-The procession of people that came to hug me afterwards and made me feel like I was a new bride.

-My Mom hugging me tightly and crying that she was filled with so much love and admiration.

-My Aunt Soph hugging me and crying, saying she was so proud.

-Walking down some stairs into our own little private section of Vinny T's restaurant and having my Dad get up from his seat and start the whole table applauding for me.

Okay...that's out of the way. I cringe as I write this because it sounds so self- indulgent and self-congratulatory. I just want to preserve these memories, really. I'm not writing this out to puff myself up in any way. I hope you all understand.

So...that's that. My first full length recital. Hopefully the first of many. By no means a culmination.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leaving the diva me behind,

I have to just sound off on this whole Dick Cheney/ "So?" thing that was in the news recently.

For anybody who hasn't heard, Dick Cheney was asked what he thought when faced with the reality that the majority of American citizens feel that this war is no longer worth fighting. He literally gave a smirk and said "So?"

Now, Michael Moore wrote a great editorial in response to this, much better than anything I could ever write, but I feel I have to say something and I'm very sorry but I feel that profanity is in order:

Listen Cheney: F**k You. You have absolutely NO right at all in any way to play fast and loose with people's lives. Not Iraqi lives, not American lives. You are a citizen of this world, no better than anyone else on this planet in any way. WHO besides your own money-grubbing, blood-hungry, penis-envied self, gave you the right to decide who lives and who dies? And who gave you the right to treat death and destruction with such flippancy as if you were stepping on an anthill rather than destroying an entire country? I feel I have to join the million-voiced chorus that keeps having to remind you that your office is an elected office. For all intents and purposes, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE PUT YOU WHERE YOU ARE. Don't get me wrong, I sure as hell didn't vote for you. And I'm pretty damn sure your election into office was rigged. But how dare you, a man who conjures up the image of "democracy" as though it were sacrosanct, hold the voice of the people in such ridiculously low esteem? You're not even making a decent show of PRETENDING to love democracy. If it weren't so abominably appalling, it would be funny. "So?" SO?!?!?!?!?!
So this: "All men are created equal...they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

You swore on the Holy Bible to uphold these principles Mr. Cheney. And your actions suggest that you either do not care for these principles, or do not care for the holy scripture which you so doggedly cling to with regards to your policies and rhetoric... or that you do not care for either. The level of hypocrisy is mind-blowing. You do not care that we the people find your war to be a direct violation of these unalienable rights, and you do not care that you deny these rights to our foreign brothers and sisters and our men and women overseas on a daily basis. And what's worse, far worse, is that you think you are getting away it. You always seem to be slyly congratulating yourself on pulling the wall over our eyes; that somehow we won't figure out that this all has to do with greed or that those of us who do figure it out won't have enough of a say to do anything about it. You are thriving on the OPPOSITE of the American principle, which is so very ironic considering you have taken it upon yourself to uphold "Patriotism" and "Americanism" in this country.
I say to you, HOW DARE YOU? How dare you take away our rights under the pretense of knowing what is best for us? How dare you allow the slaughter of hundreds of thousands on both sides? How do you lay your head down at night on your Halliburton pillowcase?

I see your "So?" and raise you three. So what if you think the American voice is inconsequential? It is not. So what if you think you have succeeded in quieting all dissenters? You have not. So what if you think your neat little retirement package will ensure a bright and happy future for you despite your past sins? It will not. I am a heathen Agnostic but I shall tell you this: at some point we all have to pay for what we do (that was Oscar Wilde who said that, you probably don't know him, he was too gay and too witty for you).I hope that when you beg for mercy, some terrible demon looks down on you and says "So?"

Holiday hopes and such

2007-12-03T16:08:00.000-05:00

I have had a request to change my blog...and I'm overdue for a post anyhow. Hi all! The holidays are coming! I'm very excited. I get so upset when people say that they hate the holidays, that they've become so commercialized, that they're too stressful, etc. Okay so they are stressful and yes, our economy has done a bang up job of making them a big extravaganza, but here's what I've discovered; the holidays are what you make them. If you want them to be stressful, they'll be stressful; if you want them to be a religious celebration, then they'll be about miracles and messiahs; if you want them to be about fun, then they'll be about fun; if you want them to feel commercialized then, chances are they'll feel commercialized. I prefer to think of them as a lovely time to see my friends and family and to give out gifts that say "thank you for being a part of my life, I celebrate you for who you are." Getting gifts is fun too, I won't lie. I also love how the winter holidays seem frozen in time for me. Ever notice how holidays seem to blend into each other? I think its because we do our best to recreate past holidays every year. Of course there will be variables and things will be different from time to time, but the essential ingredients seem to be always there. They are for me, anyway. I like that I get to be a kid again come December. It's cathartic and uplifting and it also gives me a chance to reflect on where I've been and who I am as an adult. The kid me and the adult me are essentially the same; they still need to be fed love and comfort in the same way, and both of them are very satisfied in front of a fire on Christmas Eve. People tell me I'm young and naive and that when I get older I will feel different. Well...who knows how I'll feel? I certainly don't and I certainly don't care to force myself into disliking the holidays just because its the more "adult" thing to do.
So this is why I fill my room with Christmas music and colorful lights after Thanksgiving. I really love the holidays because I love what they represent to me personally. If I see a really gaudy window display or something, I tend to just laugh. Clearly an oversized snowman doesn't define Christmas for me. I don't need it to get into the holiday spirit and so it doesn't bother me.
So I'm looking forward to family, friends and food this winter as I relax before what will be an eventful 2008.

That said...I have tons of work to do before then. Juries are scaring me as always. I've actually succeeded in memorizing all of my music, but somewhere in the back of my mind I've convinced myself that I'm not as prepared as I should be and that somehow I'll fail. Standard response from me, I feel. I guess the key is tremendous preparation, as the divine Ms. Renee Fleming says. I saw her at the Boston Symphony last Thursday...so lovely. It's funny, when you idolize someone, you're happy just to be in their presence. Renee almost doesn't have to sing for me to be happy with her. She sort of just has to be (although the voice is so warm and lovely it feels like a homecoming for me, same with Betty Buckley's voice). As with many other women I've encountered in my life, I have an immense desire to do what she does, to create as she creates and to have her experiences. I saw her in "La Traviata" last month and it was such a gorgeous experience I wanted desperately to be Violetta in the way that Renee was Violetta; to embody and live the life of a beautiful and tragic heroine. Thus the title of my blog, I suppose. And so I have my work cut out for me with juries and with operatic music. People before me have paved the way so deeply and beautifully that it will take all my strength and courage to "walk their walk," as it were. Ha ha...all of my blog entries seem to have a very common thread. MUST CHANGE SUBJECT.

So...winter break. I'm looking forward to it immensely. Tons of movies (Sweeney Todd!) and books (finally! Books!) and fun. Yay, fun. But first, work work work. Eight pieces; two French, two German, two Italian, one English and one Spanish. *Phew* German is especially kicking my bum. German is kind of a spitter's language. You feel like you're stuttering constantly. Oh well. Es geht!

Bleh

2007-10-30T22:17:00.000-04:00

So kind of an icky day. I cried in my voice lesson. This was the first time I've ever cried in a lesson since I've been at BoCo so I guess that's good. I hate that singing is such a physical endeavour. I wish it were entirely up to my brain to produce sound, but, as it stands, I have to rely on and trust my body. I also have to wait for my body. I'm training a very precise muscle that I can barely see and can hardly feel. I hate that. The process is ever so slow and then there are times when I make a gigantic leap forward and then I lose it and it doesn't come back for weeks. Boo. My coach says that I'm talented but there's some faulty mechanism between my mind and my voice that gets in my way; he says its like trying to program a very smart computer with a very small amount of RAM. Its good to know this but the knowledge doesn't help me any really. I am my own worst enemy. Thanks. Now what? How do I even begin to go through the process of becoming my own best friend? My voice teacher is very kind and says that I have lots of time to grow into my voice and that she's not worried about me or my development at all. I really want to believe her. Not so sure though.
I'm a little saddened by things around me as well. I marched this weekend against the war in Iraq. It was a good feeling (and Howard Zinn was there, which was amazing)but at the end of the day I still felt somewhat ineffectual. The administration doesn't care that thousands of us marched. They won't really pay attention. It seems that everything is in vain- the lives lost, the money spent, the anger that I share with millions of other Americans. It's so frustrating to want to make a difference but to feel that your voice is very very small. Ha ha. I suppose vocal troubles are plaguing me in more ways than one.
I'm reevaluating relationships as well. Trying to come to terms with my place in the world within my family and with my friends and so on. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that people are very very hard to change. I always thought that if I expressed my feelings clearly enough, I could always help people to understand me, if not agree with me. Very naive of me. I'm hurting because of this. I keep telling myself that I have to lower my expectations of people, but what ends up happening is that my expectations remain high and I just get angry and frustrated. So right now I'm trying to shelve the hurt alittle bit...but that's not working so brilliantly...as my breakdown early today has proved. Oh well.
My Mom tells me that one of the marchers in New York said that our everyday frustrations are so trivial compared to the pain and devastation occurring in the world. He was very right. My experiences seems so trivial when stacked up against these thoughts. And so they are. I'm currently taking a deep breath and reminding myself to be thankful for all it is that I do have, for the opportunities I've been given and for the voice I was born with. It may be small and ineffectual and rough and not quite up to shape but its mine. I think I love it.

Being the change

2007-10-04T23:06:00.000-04:00

"My job is a decision making...job. And as part of it I have to make a lot of decisions." -our President

"Mandela is dead." - also our President

I am so very sick of this. Beyond sick. There are no words to describe how appalling I find this administration. Which is why I plan to participate in a march against this God forsaken war. I have to sit up. I have to do something. I've been passive for too long.

On a more hopeful note, I've created a team for Lee's National Denim Day for Cancer Research (which is tomorrow!). If you are reading this and are so inspired, please try to donate to my team which is entitled "For Das" in honor of my mom :o) It's at denimday.com.

I keep seeing a magnet at Whole Foods that says "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Trying to take a few small steps towards that.

Fatigue

2007-09-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

My feet hurt so so much. Stupid high heels. I had to dress up today to sing in class. It felt good, though. I felt prepared and a bit more together than usual. It's nice because every once in a while I get these flashes of self-acknowledgment ... I'll have this moment where I go "Hey, I can sing...I'm not so bad...I belong here in a conservatory." Those are good days. Today was a good day. I love love love my repertoire teacher. He's amazing. He's sarcastic, biting, sometimes even cutting, but he's also brilliant and caring and sincere. Pretty awesome. I like laughing and being inspired while still keeping my feet on the ground. It's good times in his classes. I'm working with him one on one this year; this scares me but it's also kind of thrilling. I want to see what I can achieve with his help.
So now I'm reeling from a busy day and a horrendously long (and ridiculously taxing) train ride yesterday. Dear God. I was stuck with a fellow passenger who was more than annoying and had no concept of personal space or social graces. So my feet are tired and my brain is tired. I know, boo hoo, I live such a tortured existence, right? I have to sing in class and be nice to people on trains. Wow. Ha ha. It's just the business of living that makes us tired I guess. It's all normal perfectly reasonable stuff but it often knocks us off our feet and makes us totally fatigued.
Incidentally, I went home to see Ian McKellen in "King Lear." This was such an important production for me to see. I was all set to go to England to see it, but then they happily announced it was coming to the US. I felt like I was witnessing history. Somewhere, years from now, someone will ask me "What's the best performance of 'Lear' you've ever seen?" and I'll be able to say "I was present at Ian McKellen's performance" and there will be awe and admiration. Hee hee. Well at least this is how I envision it in my head. It's been said a million times but he's phenomenal. I so want that from my own performances; the sense that everything, every line, note, whatever, comes out of something real and necessary...not out of something on a piece of paper. Sir Ian never reads Shakespeare off a page, you know? You get the sense that he's internalized it to the point that its second nature, so organically a part of him and his character. I'm sure this has been said about all great actors and one point or another, but it's no less true. The research and the understanding has to be there, but there also has to be passion and intention. That was the topic of my lecture in class today. Must....be....more...passionate. Too academic, Len. Start feeling in your music as well as in your life.
I never much liked "King Lear" it always seemed so sad an unnecessary to me. As a daughter who loves her father I always have such trouble with that play. The relationship between the father and his daughters is so dysfunctional and indicates such a lack of communication that makes no sense to my 20th/21st century mind. And yet, there it was, real and heartbreaking and fabulous. I love drama...I love the gamut of emotions it takes us through. Sir Ian's "Come, let's away to prison" speech was so beautiful. It was one of those moments that makes you believe that love between two people (filial, romantic, platonic, whatever) is enough in the face of anything. So lesson #2: The love is enough. The love is enough and the music is enough. Astoundingly simple. I'm really a deep thinker, aren't I?
So yes, Ian McKellen is my God. He and Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Lindsay Duncan, Renee Fleming, Olga Borodina, Frederica von Stade, Dmirti Hvorostovsky, Ramon Vargas, and the incomparable Luciano look down from my own personal Mt. Olypmus.

Surprises

2007-09-09T17:47:00.000-04:00

Life is pretty amazing. When you're having the worst possible week you can think of, small little things pop up that make you very glad; glad to be alive, glad to be doing what you're doing, glad of the friends and family you have, and glad to be you.
My weekend had two very lovely surprises. The first was that I went to see Betty Buckley sing for the first time in about five years and nothing about her had changed. This was a nice surprise. For some reason I was expecting her to look different, sound different...to remind me that time had passed and that I'm older and that the same comforts I had when I was younger no longer have the same meaning. Like in "In My Life" by the Beatles..."There are places I remember/all my life, though some have changed./Some forever, not for better..." I was preparing myself for Betty to have changed. But she hadn't. She was phenomenal as always. She looked absolutely lovely (yet another one of my favorite people in their 60's who looks stunning) and she still had the same plaintive voice that I find so friendly and welcoming. It was a lot like coming home for me. It felt extremely natural to be there listening to her and watch her turn songs into little stories. So... Brava, Betty Lynn...I never should have doubted you for a moment.
I learned something from her too. Something incredibly simple and obvious but very necessary for me and something I had either forgotten or never really conceptualized. The music is enough for her. She seems so very happy just to be singing a song and it's what keeps her going and, I think, is what makes her so good. If the music is enough for you then your audience is no longer a group that passes judgment on you, its a group of people experiencing life with you. I want to get to the point in my singing where the music is enough. Not the accolades or the prizes or the amount of roles I've done or how fabulous I sounded or how terrible I sounded. That is my motto for this year and (hopefully) the rest of my life: The music is enough.
Surprise number two came this morning at about 11 when I was awakened by a phone call. I let it go to voice mail because...well I'm really lazy sometimes. It was Marina saying that she'd forgotten to mention that she was in Mass for a wedding this weekend and asking if we could get together for lunch. That made me really happy. That is one fabulous thing about getting older; no matter how far away your friends are, if they are your true friends you'll always find ways to see them and share with them. It was so lovely to see her and Adam (and their friend, Jim, who was also in town for the wedding). That felt like homecoming for me too; we laughed and swapped stories as if we lived right next door to one another and it was comfortable and effortless. It reminded me why Marina and I are friends and why we always will be. It also reminded me that I have a lot of fun with Adam and that I love them both a lot. So...good day, good weekend. Nice to have a few days to combat the awful ones. Thank you, life, for keeping me on my toes.
First day of classes tomorrow, should be a fun week. Looking forward to getting my music assignments and such. Also seeing King Lear next weekend! Hooray for the Bard and Sir Ian.

Don't think I'm getting out of bed today

2007-09-06T10:03:00.000-04:00

Today is an awful day. Yesterday was an awful day. I'm feeling depressed and very inadequate. Very second-rate. I've always worried that the work I do is not enough, that at heart I'm very lazy and have little talent and that it's just a matter of time before people discover this. I'm definitely believing in that today. I don't really know what I have going for me. I sing songs. Apparently I don't even do that very well. My voice teacher says I have a big voice that "takes a while to organize," implication being that most of my colleagues at the conservatory are organized but I am not. I have friends who write, teach, are becoming doctors, work with people in need...things that change the world. All I do well is sing. And again, I'm not even very good at it. I feel that any contribution I have to make is very small and limited.
This was how I was feeling yesterday and this morning, they announced that Luciano Pavarotti had died. That's reason enough to stay in bed. It's a big blow to me, to the opera world and to my family. My parents fell in love to the opera that Pavarotti sang. They followed him to Italy and back. When I was born, they played me his recordings and took me to see him.
His death scares me on several levels. After an opera singer dies, even a hugely famous one as Pavarotti was, what's left? They leave behind recordings which capture some lovely memories. But beyond that, what is their legacy? The New York Times today thought they did the world a service by discussing Pavarotti's life in all of its glory...and all of its shame. They had no scruples about mentioning those times when he appeared "unprepared," or had trouble moving about the stage or failed to put over a character as best he could. How awful. How awful that The New York Times acts as our own personal Judgment Day....stacking up the good against the bad, as if God needed some help deciding whether or not to let you into heaven, so the NYT thought they would just give Him a hand. That's not your job, Bernard Holland. You have no say in who makes it into heaven. I defy you to sing even one note with the clarity and depth that Pavarotti had. It's not honorable to give audiences an unflinching look at someone's life the day after they died, it's tacky.
I know I can't even touch what Pavarotti accomplished. And there's no guarantee I'll leave behind any memorable recordings. So what do I leave? At the end of the day, what do I have to offer? I'm not feeling as though I have much today. Therefore I think I'm sleeping in. I've rented some movies. Escapism seems the way to go. Maybe some junk food. Not looking forward to looking any of my friends in the eye today. The weight of the day is making me very tired.

People and Things (other than friends and family) that Currently Make Me Very Happy

2007-09-05T00:50:00.000-04:00

1. Helen Mirren. I kind of want to BE her. She's got such an elegance and a confidence about her that is effortlessly sexy and, at the same time, she seems incredibly kind and grounded. Plus she has done some amazing roles on stage and in film. I had totally forgotten that I actually saw her on stage with Ian McKellen in "Dance of Death." I'm so lucky that I have that memory. (Incidentally, did anyone know that she was in a film in which Cuba Gooding Jr. was her love interest?Not quite sure how I feel about this).

2.Vanity Fair's March 2007 Hollywood Portfolio. Apparently I slept through this, but Annie Liebowitz did a film noir-esque photo shoot with tons of cool actors. Naturally, my favorite shot is a glam photo of Ms. Mirren and Dame Judi Dench (who is all kinds of awesome).Check out the fabulous photos. Angelica Huston likewise looks awesome.

3.The fact that the "Sweeney Todd" movie is coming out very soon. Hooray for Gothic musicals about people who slit people's throats starring Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman! The poster looks amazing. I was talking to Gretta today about how fabulous the musical is and how the movie has the potential to be mind-blowingly wonderful or tragically terrible. I kind of don't care. I want to see it so badly. The poster looks extremely tantalizing. Depp certainly has the Todd look down.

4.Glenn Close. Yes my idol of years ago is still pretty great. "Damages" is a fabulous show and I'm looking forward to getting a paycheck so I can catch up with the series on iTunes. She's been making the talk show rounds recently and she looks drop dead gorgeous (she just turned 60, by the way, more proof that aging gracefully is infinitely more attractive than aging plastically, as it were).YouTube has her interview with Letterman which is funny. Rumors are circulating about a "Sunset Boulevard" film adaptation and I'm beyond excited at the prospect of being fourteen again and experiencing the ridiculously melodramatic but gloriously romantic musical on the screen. Please, dear God, let them find a good director and not rip the thing to shreds.

5.Laughing till I cry a little. Allison made some comment today about a certain singer's Christmas album that has an original song. In the song, the woman mentions her newborn son's eyes. We both felt that the lyric was a little self-indulgent and Allison said something sarcastic like "No one cares about your son. He has ugly eyes." So ridiculously funny. I was tearing on the ground floor of Newbury Street's new Best Buy. Good times.

6. The fact that the Red Sox won tonight and are currently seven games ahead of the Yankees and that Manny Ramirez is healing coming back to play soon. Go Sox!

My Audition

2007-09-04T11:57:00.000-04:00

Went pretty well, I think! Yay. Basking in the glory of not having to sing in front of a panel for a least a few weeks. Should be an exciting year with tons and tons of music. Looking forward to it and fearing it at the same time. Woohoo! Welcome to graduate school year two.

Leftover Stuffed Grape Leaves and Reruns

2007-09-03T18:17:00.000-04:00

Hola! I'm finishing my left over stuffed grape leaves and watching reruns of TNT's "The Closer." I love forensic dramas. My Mom thinks I'm weird, but I find them fascinating. I found the funniest picture of a Hirschfeld drawing of Jerry Orbach and Sam Waterston on "Law and Order." Here's a link to Hirschfeld's TV drawings. So priceless.
Feeling a bit more connected to the outside world today. Had a few im chats with Kavita and Cindy. Got calls from Aditi and Archana yesterday. Ditz was busy and the conversation was kind of brief (but fun!). Her parents are about to move clear across the country. I don't think I'd be holding up as well if I were her. Arch and I had a long and lovely conversation. She's experiencing much of the same anxieties about the new school year. Probably more so, since she's just beginning med school.We shared tons of thoughts on life, love and family. Big issues, I know. So good to hear the voices of people you know and love. Got an e-mail from Marina as well and she says she wants to call today and catch me up on her new life as a married lady. MARRIED! So so crazy. Archana and I were talking about that. Marina...is...married. Nuts. I still see her in jeans and glasses on the floor in the RHS hallway during lunch. I vividly remember the time we had an instant message conversation and she told me she had an actual honest-to-goodness boyfriend named Adam. I remember meeting Adam, sizing him up, making sure he was good enough for her. And now they're husband and wife. So odd how in one day you can go from being a single person to being someone's wife. I remember that at the wedding I said something to Marina like "Oh, look, your husband's doing so and so..." and the word "husband" came so easily. So much easier than the actual idea of their marriage. I know they will do great and I know they will last but I reserve the right the be shocked about it for a while.

Weddings invariably make one think about when they too will be married. I'm inching closer and closer to having a full subscription to Match.com. Who knows. My BoCo friends seem to be doing well with it. We'll see. It still kind of freaks me out. My friend, Maggie, and I used to joke about how we would both never marry and become old and gray Miss Havishams and immerse ourselves in books and false romance. She's married now, natch. Boo. Len is alone. I suppose it would be easier to take if I weren't an absolute helpless romantic. No joke. I AM Kate Winslet in "Sense and Sensibility"...so ready to be madly in love, foolishly expecting her life to end up like something in Shakespeare. Well, I guess I'm a bit more realistic than that. Again, we'll see. Ha ha. Any man who finds me is gonna lose his mind. Oy vey. For now I'll stick to my Frasier DVDs and imagine a world in which I find my very own opera-loving, Eliot-reading, sherry-swigging fancy pants. Well, okay, at the very least. someone who will make me laugh

Missing Maine

2007-09-02T18:48:00.002-04:00

I played some music by Betty Buckley on my iPod today. She does a cover of Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Come On Come On" which is a beautiful song about loss and the uncertainty of the future. My mom and I listened to it on our dock in Maine on one of the last nights before I left for college. I also played it after they dropped me off in my dorm and I unpacked things.
It's fitting for today. I miss Maine. It's such a safe and happy cocoon. And so so lovely. I get to revert back to childhood a few weeks out of the year and its almost devastating when I have to return to the adulthood thing. I'm trying hard not to think about it too much. Autumn is lovely after all, and I have things to look forward to. I'm excited for the apple picking and Halloween (hopefully a trip to Salem!) and other things.

I miss Mom and Dad and Morgie, though. It's really nice to have people around who know every part of you and don't care and still love you. It's nice to be able to share things with them. It's also nice to have a puppy to cuddle with at night. She's fast becoming my significant other.
I'm feeling listless today. Not much to do. I've been on the internet forever. I should make dinner soon. Kinda lonely. Oh well. Back to adult life.

Giving In

2007-09-02T18:32:00.002-04:00

So,
I always thought that blogs were a little strange. I mean, their sort of impersonal, and they seem like an odd way to keep in touch. I also am a little uncomfortable with this idea of everyone reading my internet diary, as it were. I don't expect them to. They shouldn't have to, nor should they really want to. My day, my life, my thoughts, they're inconsequential and minute...with every single thing happening in our world it seems really silly. I know that sentence in and of itself is silly and cliche but still. I'm still down with one-on-one contact. I don't want this blog to replace personal updates, phone calls, etc. I'm just excited to finally jot down my ideas. I like that. I think its more for me personally than anything else. Is that selfish? I'm not sure. I hope that if people do read my blog that it makes them smile and sparks conversation. So here goes, this is my first blog. Let's see how long I keep it up and if anyone at all is interested. Hee.