Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bleh

So kind of an icky day. I cried in my voice lesson. This was the first time I've ever cried in a lesson since I've been at BoCo so I guess that's good. I hate that singing is such a physical endeavour. I wish it were entirely up to my brain to produce sound, but, as it stands, I have to rely on and trust my body. I also have to wait for my body. I'm training a very precise muscle that I can barely see and can hardly feel. I hate that. The process is ever so slow and then there are times when I make a gigantic leap forward and then I lose it and it doesn't come back for weeks. Boo. My coach says that I'm talented but there's some faulty mechanism between my mind and my voice that gets in my way; he says its like trying to program a very smart computer with a very small amount of RAM. Its good to know this but the knowledge doesn't help me any really. I am my own worst enemy. Thanks. Now what? How do I even begin to go through the process of becoming my own best friend? My voice teacher is very kind and says that I have lots of time to grow into my voice and that she's not worried about me or my development at all. I really want to believe her. Not so sure though.
I'm a little saddened by things around me as well. I marched this weekend against the war in Iraq. It was a good feeling (and Howard Zinn was there, which was amazing)but at the end of the day I still felt somewhat ineffectual. The administration doesn't care that thousands of us marched. They won't really pay attention. It seems that everything is in vain- the lives lost, the money spent, the anger that I share with millions of other Americans. It's so frustrating to want to make a difference but to feel that your voice is very very small. Ha ha. I suppose vocal troubles are plaguing me in more ways than one.
I'm reevaluating relationships as well. Trying to come to terms with my place in the world within my family and with my friends and so on. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that people are very very hard to change. I always thought that if I expressed my feelings clearly enough, I could always help people to understand me, if not agree with me. Very naive of me. I'm hurting because of this. I keep telling myself that I have to lower my expectations of people, but what ends up happening is that my expectations remain high and I just get angry and frustrated. So right now I'm trying to shelve the hurt alittle bit...but that's not working so brilliantly...as my breakdown early today has proved. Oh well.
My Mom tells me that one of the marchers in New York said that our everyday frustrations are so trivial compared to the pain and devastation occurring in the world. He was very right. My experiences seems so trivial when stacked up against these thoughts. And so they are. I'm currently taking a deep breath and reminding myself to be thankful for all it is that I do have, for the opportunities I've been given and for the voice I was born with. It may be small and ineffectual and rough and not quite up to shape but its mine. I think I love it.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Being the change

"My job is a decision making...job. And as part of it I have to make a lot of decisions." -our President

"Mandela is dead." - also our President

I am so very sick of this. Beyond sick. There are no words to describe how appalling I find this administration. Which is why I plan to participate in a march against this God forsaken war. I have to sit up. I have to do something. I've been passive for too long.

On a more hopeful note, I've created a team for Lee's National Denim Day for Cancer Research (which is tomorrow!). If you are reading this and are so inspired, please try to donate to my team which is entitled "For Das" in honor of my mom :o) It's at denimday.com.

I keep seeing a magnet at Whole Foods that says "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Trying to take a few small steps towards that.