Friday, February 6, 2009

Zen and the Art of Textbook Maintenance

Hello again,
I've had a few requests to start up this blog again, which is so sweet. I'm incredibly touched that people are at all interested in my often very uninteresting life.

I hope this finds all of its readers well and happy. At the risk of sounding very Jane Austen-esque...I am exceedingly well. Perhaps that's why I haven't felt the need to post in a while. No angsty ramblings necessary really. My life is pretty much at an even keel now...and I'm enjoying it. I'm not doing nearly as much singing as I'd like. I'm also working a very low paying job at a Barnes and Noble, but lately I've felt an overall sense of well-being, as trite as that sounds. I've had some vocal issues, which have been frustrating, but I've also suddenly and very truly believing that singing is what I am meant to do and that somehow it will happen for me in some way and that I will sing for the rest of my life. I hope that doesn't sound egotistical or anything. I've just recently come to terms with the fact that voice is my calling. Which is ironic I suppose, considering one needs a voice to actually make a "calling." But somehow, amid my usual nervousness I have come to realize that it's all good. It will happen. I shall make it happen. It is what I am meant to do. Very Zen. Very "Om." But still, comforting in its own way.

I've extended this to other parts of my life as well. Maybe it's an Obama thing (oh yes, since I've last posted...BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES). That's enough to make me feel protected and well-taken care of. I know its schmaltzy. I know it means I'm putting a lot of faith in a man who is essentially a politician. But I believe him. I believe in his power to restore the world's faith in America. I believe in the whole "Yes We Can" thing. I've totally bought it. Dont' get me wrong, he's definitely disappointed me a few times already. But I still get a little choked up when I see certain things on the news. I watched a video of a soldier saluting him as he boarded a plane and I got very misty. I know everyone has said this already, but his presidency is so symbolic of just how far Americans have come, and how far we can go. It's exciting to be an American again! As my friend Bri says, HUZZAH AND REJOICEMENT! Ha ha ha now I have Handel stuck in my head. "Rejoice greatly, o daughter of Zion, behold, thy King cometh unto thee..."

Anyway... I've had a rough year as far as friendships go...but I'm Zen about it now. I'm becoming decidedly more comfortable with me. I'm slowly (sometimes very slowly) learning to say "I'm sorry you don't wish to spend time with me, but for all intents and purposes that is your problem. So if you don't want to put in the effort then that's fine. There are plenty of wonderful and gracious people in my life who do value me." Weird huh? I'm ever so slightly letting go of the "everyone must love me" disease. It's an odd feeling actually. I feel like I'm losing a part of my identity in some way...in some very good way, though. I'm gaining a new identity, and I kind of like it. There are total setbacks though, and I'm sure there will be always. There are days I feel very useless, making $8 an hour shelving textbooks and answering questions for pushy students. I have noticed that I try to overcompensate a lot. I mention my education and my degrees a lot at work...as if to say "I'm somewhat smart, I swear, even though I'm behind the counter and you're going to Harvard." I must work on that. It's unnecessary and kind of ridiculous. There's enough smart to go around. I don't have to feel like I should claim "smart." People are intelligent in their own wonderful ways. Must work on that...

There are other frustrations. I'm increasingly more upset with my inability to provide for myself entirely. My parents pay my way far too often. It's disheartening. I can feel as independent as I like but at the end of the day, I'm still beholden to them in so many ways. Not that they hold it over me or anything. It's just a feeling. This could very easily be ameliorated by my finding a better job, but I have a defeatist attitude about that lately. No one is hiring. I'd sent out tons of resumes in the fall and no one cared really. Plus I'm exhausted. 9-hour days on your feet take a lot out of you.

So frustrations, yes. Escapisms too though. Ohhh the escapisms. I think I throw myself into multi-media frenzies when things aren't quite working in my personal life. "Wuthering Heights" was remade for the BBC lately...so much fun. And then there are wonderful new tv obsessions like QI (thanks Maggie!) a fabulous game show from the UK that basically consists of the amazingly witty and charming Stephen Fry and a host of British comedians sitting around a table and talking about interesting things (for anyone who doesn't know QI stands for "Quite Interesting). It's delicious and hilarious, and if you look hard enough on the internet...it's downloadable!


In other news, "Sunset Boulevard" has weaseled it's film-noir self back into my life and heart. Just when everyone thought it was safe! *cackles maniacally* In all seriousness though, the show has enjoyed a renaissance lately (a revival in the Netherlands, one in London and one on its way to New York, a new film loosely based on it starring KEIRA KNIGHTLEY...which is BEYOND WRONG), so it's been hard for me to avoid it. Someone once told me that I had such an intense connection to this story that it was almost like a first love. I suppose that is true. It's been fun revisiting something that meant so much to me as a child and seeing its affect on me as an adult, and as someone who has studied music and drama. (As much as I love "Sunset"...parts of the score a laughable sometimes, I won't lie). I suppose that will happen to me as long as I live. Not just with "Sunset" but with all of the stories, books, operas, musicals and films, I enjoyed when I was younger. I look forward to revisiting them all as I grow older and discovering new and exciting ways of thinking about them. I wonder what I'll think of Dorabella if I sing her when I'm 35.

So that, as we say, is all for now folks. Please please please let me know how YOU are.


Peace and Love and, as I was taught in college, Om Shanti

Len

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