Today is an awful day. Yesterday was an awful day. I'm feeling depressed and very inadequate. Very second-rate. I've always worried that the work I do is not enough, that at heart I'm very lazy and have little talent and that it's just a matter of time before people discover this. I'm definitely believing in that today. I don't really know what I have going for me. I sing songs. Apparently I don't even do that very well. My voice teacher says I have a big voice that "takes a while to organize," implication being that most of my colleagues at the conservatory are organized but I am not. I have friends who write, teach, are becoming doctors, work with people in need...things that change the world. All I do well is sing. And again, I'm not even very good at it. I feel that any contribution I have to make is very small and limited.
This was how I was feeling yesterday and this morning, they announced that Luciano Pavarotti had died. That's reason enough to stay in bed. It's a big blow to me, to the opera world and to my family. My parents fell in love to the opera that Pavarotti sang. They followed him to Italy and back. When I was born, they played me his recordings and took me to see him.
His death scares me on several levels. After an opera singer dies, even a hugely famous one as Pavarotti was, what's left? They leave behind recordings which capture some lovely memories. But beyond that, what is their legacy? The New York Times today thought they did the world a service by discussing Pavarotti's life in all of its glory...and all of its shame. They had no scruples about mentioning those times when he appeared "unprepared," or had trouble moving about the stage or failed to put over a character as best he could. How awful. How awful that The New York Times acts as our own personal Judgment Day....stacking up the good against the bad, as if God needed some help deciding whether or not to let you into heaven, so the NYT thought they would just give Him a hand. That's not your job, Bernard Holland. You have no say in who makes it into heaven. I defy you to sing even one note with the clarity and depth that Pavarotti had. It's not honorable to give audiences an unflinching look at someone's life the day after they died, it's tacky.
I know I can't even touch what Pavarotti accomplished. And there's no guarantee I'll leave behind any memorable recordings. So what do I leave? At the end of the day, what do I have to offer? I'm not feeling as though I have much today. Therefore I think I'm sleeping in. I've rented some movies. Escapism seems the way to go. Maybe some junk food. Not looking forward to looking any of my friends in the eye today. The weight of the day is making me very tired.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do today and you have every right. Perhaps it helps you to share your pain. I think what you wrote about the NYT's obit on Pavarotti is so right on and think you should send it into the Times. I didn't read the obit but no words could capture Pavarotti's legacy. You have enormous talent and you will bring many people exhilaration and joy. Don't let this event and a few so called teachers rob yourself or your listeners from the joy of what you do. I don't know what "organized" means and I think you should ask for more details. As your grandmother use to say: "sounds like hooey to me." Love you.
Hi Len,
I agree entirely with what your mom says above. You are right about the
Times and Pavarotti. How dare they dissect the man so soon after his death. And, even later, how can they judge an artist of such depth? If he was unable to proceed with some of his commitments, he may have had some very legitimate, and private, reasons. And the joy and depth of feeling he contributed to people who heard him is beyond measure.
As to you and your blue funk, in my mind, the best cure is a healthy dose of reality thinking:
1. You do have enormous talent, but
talent in any field of art, whether literature, painting, acting, music,etc. always take a long time to shape and refine. Of course, I don't have to tell you this, but I just want to remind you that you've chosen a field of endeavor which uses, even requires, occasional rejection and negative criticism as a tool of improvement. Every major artist in every field has experienced this. It's the way art gets made. Though depression is natural, and most artists have reported such depression, including not wanting to get out of bed, the eventual reaction, and most useful, is to get back on the horse and keep riding (I mix my metaphors). Every artist must push on despite all obstacles, keep getting better, keep believing in one's talent, keep working on it, keep thinking, by God, I will show the world. Now I know this is all so easy to say, and so hard to do. But I consider it such a good sign that you are tough on yourself. Again, the sign of a true artist. I think the fact that you are depressed about any failure is also a sign that you really care about your art. I've read that many small planes crash because the pilot was trying to save himself and not his plane. It occurs to me that there is a lesson there. You must live for, and nurture, and protect your talent and art; think of it above all else, including yourself. It's not your success or contribution that is ultimately most important. It's the success of your talent. And if ever that talent becomes a burden, well, then you can turn away from it. But you are a long, long way from any such decision. You have years of successes and failures before you. Revel in both of them. They are part of your story. Finally, don't doubt the contribution someone who sings songs can make to the world. You know how valuable that can be to us mere mortals when a song sung by as beautiful a voice as yours transports us to a place where there is no time and where the soul finds rest and solace. Your life, most lives, is really not about legacy. It's about what we do day after day during the journey.
Well, I hope this long winded "comment" doesn't add to your depression. I hope you rise up singing.
Love you as always, through good notes and sour,
Unc. G.
Dad said,
Don't give up. Believe in yourself and your talent. Be strong and don't cheat yourself out of something that gives you pleasure. Trust the people who love you and have some fun. I don't know the meaning of life, but I do know the purpose of life, namely, to be happy. Anyway, lots of love and tons of hugs and kisses,Dad.XXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOO
Dad said,
Don't give up. Believe in yourself and your talent. Be strong and don't cheat yourself out of something that gives you pleasure. Trust the people who love you and have some fun. I don't know the meaning of life, but I do know the purpose of life, namely, to be happy. Anyway, lots of love and tons of hugs and kisses,Dad.XXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOO
Post a Comment